Grey by E.L James (Exclusive Extract)


From a thief’s hard drive to Opinionoid in one easy click.

So this bird comes in, she’s fit as, tits like Christmas presents, and the little sort sits at my desk, eyeing my Jim and John Thomas, partners in cock and balls since 1989. I say to her, with my mouth, ‘what’s your angle, babe – I’ve got a meeting in ten so keep it trim.’

‘I’m Ana,’ she says, sucking off the words, ‘my friend Kate was supposed to be doing this interview but she got sick so I’m here instead. I hope that’s okay.’

‘What was wrong with her, growler trouble?’ I says, ‘cos I’m a funny bastard. She looks put out, like, but I’m rich and she ain’t, so it don’t really matter what she thinks. ‘You got a surname?’ I says. The ol’ Grey charm’s on the pitch, shirt off, swinging it about, working up the crowd.

‘Steele,’ she says.

‘What, like the fuckin’ metal?’ I laugh at my own zinger. If I hadn’t been a successful business man, like a gazillionaire or whatever, I’d have been a stand up comic for sure. Christian Grey at the ‘ammersmith Apollo, Christian Grey at the O2. Christian Grey, buy the DVD for Father’s Day.

‘I’ve got a few questions,’ says this Ana, but I’m not interested in ‘em. I’m thinking about her tassels and muffler, and what I’m going to do to her when, like every other bird, she follows me back to the ‘ouse. She’s asking about my company now, about what we do and that, but all I can see is that arse – the fat ripplin’ like the puddle in Jurassic Park, as I thwack it with a rolled up copy of TV Quick.

‘Ana,’ I says, ‘are you a dirty bird? Do you like a bit of slap and tickle?’

‘Mr Grey,’ she says, ‘I don’t know what you want to me to say.’

‘Say yes please,’ I says, and I get all excited – the old man coming up to say hello. But as he does I feel sad. I think about the old days, when I used to get locked in a room and told to sort myself out with a roll of sandpaper and a plastic band for m’ bollocks. I feel guilty and a bit embarrassed, like I’ve been caught moisturising. ‘Sorry bird, you’ll have to go,’ I says, ‘some other time, yeah?’

She gets up to leave, looks pissed off. I walk with her to the lift.

‘I’m sorry if I offended you in some way,’ she says, ‘I can send you a transcript if you need to approve anything?’

‘Nah, you’re alright darlin’,’ I says, ‘I was just thinking about the time this older bird I was shacked up with put her fist up me and worked me like Orville, but I don’t think you want to know about all that.’ The lift comes and I push her in. ‘Later peaches,’ I says, and the doors close.

What a fuckin’ day.

Grey is published later this month.

Published in: on June 10, 2015 at 17:10  Leave a Comment  
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